Forgetting what is behind
I used to feel like a stranger in my own body. There were days where I would put on a “happy face” and fake my way through my day. There were days where I went to work hurting and full of bitterness. There were days where I felt unloved and not appreciated by anyone. There were times where I asked myself, “How did I manage to get this way?” Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you question your circumstances?
There were times people would say to me, "I Love you" but all in same breath hurt me. Not realizing it I started to put up a wall around my heart. It seemed like every time I let someone in or exposed my true feelings about something, It would soon come crashing, hurting me all over again.
So I decided at some point, that I was not letting anyone else hurt me or my kids! Every time things seemed wrong in my mind, I would back away or convince myself that it was too good to be true. For some time I learned to mask well. I’m not talking about the mask that we all now have to wear due to the pandemic, but a mask I had been putting on way before the one I am mandated to wear now.
I put on my happy face and carried on like nothing was wrong. Deep down inside, I had built up this bitterness which eventually turned into grudges. This was mentally eating me away. This kept me from going around people. I isolated myself and felt mentally tormented with thoughts. This struggle kept me from loving people and believing them. There were many days where I would come home and just sleep, so I did not have to deal with it!
I hated feeling this way! I wanted to be happy, I wanted to love and smile again! I wanted to be able to trust people. I just didn't UNDERSTAND why things were like this. My prayers turned into telling God i don't like this and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I found myself surrendering and kneeling at the altar on Sunday mornings just crying out to the Lord. I wanted God to fix me! I was tired!
Then one day, as I was at the altar crying my heart out someone came to pray for me. She began to pray and pray. And just something felt different this time. After she finished praying, she told me, “you have to let those grudges go!!” I will never forget those words. She told me to let go of all that stuff and walk in my freedom. She said, “God wants to give it to you.” I knew at that moment, God was truly with me. She had no idea what I had been dealing with. That day I surrendered all of my hurt over to the Lord. Praise God! I decided to walk in my freedom!
I tell you it's not easy to Love like you have never been hurt! But I will tell you that the day I decided to let go and fully surrender! Now I don't live this life alone anymore. I know that I have a heavenly Father who loves me and will never leave and that he has a plan and purpose for my life. He Loves you and has a plan and purpose for you!
Everyday I choose to walk in love and strive to live a life pleasing to the Lord!
“Brothers and Sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and striving towards what's ahead, I press toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 3: 13-14